The Case of the Stuffed Tiger
by Swing123
Summary: When Dad has to go to Texas on a business trip, he and his family stay on Hank the Cowdog's ranch for three days. Calvin is thrilled about being on a ranch. And Hank has to keep him out of trouble. PLEASE R&R!
1. Chapter 1

_Please note: you will probably want to read at least one of the HANK THE COWDOG series before you read this fic

* * *

_

It's me again, Hank the Cowdog.

How would I know that by the end of the day, the ranch would be occupied by a strange spike headed kid with a red, striped shirt, and a small stuffed tiger that ended up not being so stuffed?

It all began in end of July as I recall. Yes of course it was! Because we had just gone through a long brutal summer, and the days were beginning to get cooler.

The local chickens were being their usual unintelligent selves.

Do you know how I know that chickens are unintelligent birds? Well if you put it into perspective, it's pretty obvious, if watch your average dumb-dumb hen, you will notice that she will spend her entire life pecking the ground. Now think about that. What kind of idiot would spend their whole life slamming their heads into dirt? Oh and did I mention their squawking? They sometimes stand in the middle of nowhere and squawk their heads off for no reason at all. No kidding, they'll stand there clucking and squawking and screeching!

Why?

I have no idea.

Ask a chicken.

I see it as a waste of time.

I mean SOME of us have to work for a living, but not for those deranged creatures!

They will stand there looking simple, and... anyway, where was I?

Oh yes! The end of July. I was aslee... I was going over a monster report and things were getting tense, when all at once, Drover burst into the office.

OK, maybe I was asleep, but who wouldn't be? I had been dragged down! Worn to a nubbing of my former self! So it made perfect sense, and full meaning that I was... well... asleep.

Never mind.

Where was I?

Oh, yes, Drover burst into the office.

"HANK! Come quick! There's a large flying monster after Little Alfred! I tried to bark him away, but he came after me! Hurry!"

I lifted my eyes, and opened my head.

Lifted my head, and opened my eyes shall we say, and gave him a stern glare.

"Brover! I hate it when you honk the porkchop in the middle of April! And further more, tomorrow's tuna fish will brush their teeth with upside down pickle sauce!"

he stared at me for a long moment.

"My name's Drover." He said.

"Exactly! I feel we've broke this case wide open!"

I shook the sleepo vapors out of my head, and began pacing in front of the mutt.

"What day is this? Who's on first?"

"Well, I don't know what day this is, and I don't think anybody's going on first."

I whirled around and stabbed him with a piercing glare.

"What do you mean, 'nobody's going on first'? Somebody has to go on first! If nobody goes on first nobody can go on second."

"Yeah, but... go on what?"

"On life, Drover! To climb into mountainous chair of life's control panel!"

"Sounds like a lot of work."

"Of course it's a lot of work, Drover. If nothing we did around here was work, we'd be a bunch of lazy dogs! Is that what you want?"

"Not if you put it that way."

"Nobody wants to be lazy Drover! Especially us! We are The Elite Troops of the Secure..."

I cut my eyes from side to side.

This conversation was making no sense.

I gave my head a shake, and stepped away from the huge black hole that centered in my pea brained assistant's forehead.

I began to climb back into my chair of thought, and all of Drover's nonsense faded into the distance, so to speak.

I turned back to him, and gave him a stern glare.

"I know perfectly well what your name is, Drover, the point is..."

I stopped.

"Drover why are you staring me like that?"

He was giving me a loony stare.

"Well," he said. "I guess I'm confused."

I stared at him.

"CONFUSED! How can you be confused at a time like this!"

"Well, I don't know."

There was a moment of silence.

"Then what is the meaning of this brainless conversation!"

A light came on in his empty eyes.

"OH yeah! There's a big red bird, chasing Little Alfred!"

I stared at him.

"A big red bird? HA! I doubt that son, because, there has never been a BIG red bird on the ranch. But just for laughs, lets hear about this big red bird."

he squinted one eye, and rolled the other into the back of his head.

"Well lets see here."

his eyes popped open.

"OH HANK! IT'S TERRIBLE! IT DOESN'T HAVE HEAD AT ALL! NO HEAD, NO FEATHERS! AND ONLY ONE WING!"

"my goodness! Go on Drover, tell this court about this mysterious headless bird!"

"His wing is just one long thread, and when I saw him, it's wing was wrapped over Little Alfred's arm!"

On hearing this, my ears leaped to full alert position.

"Ok, Drover we've gathered all the information we need! One more question... WHERE IS LITTLE ALFRED!"

He pointed his nose at the machine shed, and I rushed off to confront the horrible long winged porckchop!

* * *

"DAD!" Calvin screamed. "Where are we gong?" 

"I told you." sighed Dad. "I need to pick a flight to Texas. I have some business to do down there!"

Calvin grabbed Hobbes and pulled him off to a corner.

"Hobbes! Dad is taking us to TEXAS! Do you know what this means?"

"We get hands on experience on cowboy work?"

"NO! it means we're going to where desert and total dryness roams! We'll be starved! Roaming deserts and crawling around sand dunes with vultures over our heads."

"Vultures are actually called buzzards down there." Hobbes said.

"Big deal, the point is that we better skedaddle before Dad gets any big ideas!"

Hobbes stared at him.

"But we're not going to be near a desert, Calvin" he said. "We're going to in a city, most likely."

There was a moment of silence.

Calvin blinked.

"How do you know!" He challenged.

Before Hobbes could answer, Dad called, "Come on Calvin!"

Mom and Dad pushed and shoved Calvin into the car.

"Why do we have to ride in a CAR to Texas! Why don't we just fly?" Calvin asked.

"Calvin," Mom said. "There is no flight to Texas till next week! We need to get there by Saturday!"

Calvin grumbled, and they spent the next few days riding in the car.

He had ran out of comic books to read on the fifth day, and was now getting bored.

"Are we there yet?" Calvin asked.

"Calvin we've just entered Texas, now" Dad said.

Calvin's eyes popped open.

"We HAVE! Oh FINALLY!"

"We're in the southwest corner of Texas. We need to be in the panhandle." Hobbes pointed out.

Calvin squeezed his eyes shut, and sunk into his seat.

That Saturday evening, Calvin's dad was driving around the panhandle, completely lost.

"Dear, just ask someone for directions." Mom kept saying.

At last, dad stopped the car in front of a bearded man wearing glasses.

"Excuse me, sir." dad said. "I'm wondering if you can point us out to Twitchell?"

"Why, shore." said the man. "It's five miles west of here. But all the hotels are checked out."

Dad gritted his teeth, and closed his eyes.

"NOW WHAT!" He said turning to his wife.

"There's a guy I know that'll take ya in." the man said.

Dad turned back.

"What's his name?"

"Loper. He works on the next ranch down the creek. I'm his hired hand. The name's Slim."

Dad and Slim shook hands.

"Thank you, Slim." Dad said. "You say this Loper will take us in?"

Slim grinned.

"Probably not cheerfully but he'll do it, I'll have to call him up tonight and make some arrangements. You just go down there, and get to know him." He said.

"Thanks" Dad said, and with that, he drove off.

Calvin was horrified.

"DAD! DON'T LISTEN TO THAT GUY!"He bellowed. "He could be a convicted murderer! Or a mime! Or a vampire! Or a demented talking doll! Or a giant mutant earwig from planet DingDong!"

"Your watching too much Twilight Zone." Hobbes said, turning the page on his comic book.


	2. Chapter 2

I rushed around to the back of the machine shed.

And we're talking about incredible speed of fifty or sixty miles per second! No kidding.

Sure enough, Little Alfred was running away from this horrible headless bird!

Description: red, a kind of diamond shape, with a long tail. It had NO head! No kidding! It's one long wing was so long it was able to wrap it's self around poor little Alfred's arm! Oh and did I mention the sticks? It held two long sticks so that it resembled a "X" with no doubt, these sticks were used to beat up on it's poor victims!

I rushed over Little Alfred and began to bark furiously.

I leaped into the air, and grabbed that horrible long tailed bird's wing!

I brought that sucker down, and tore him apart!

But just then, he... OUCH! He started whacking me between the eyes with his sticks, and yes it brought tears to my eyes, but they were mostly tears of joy and... Something.

He put up a good fight let me tell you, but I...

"Hankie!" Little Alfred said. "Your distwoying my kite!"

I looked up.

Kite? What's a kite?

I looked at Little Alfred. I looked at the headless red tailed bird on the ground. Had I missed something? Had I missed several somethings?

Just then Sally May came bursting out the door.

"HANK! GET AWAY FROM ALFRED'S KITE!" she yelled.

Oops.

I began to back up, but not before a rock hit me in the back.

OOF!

I spun around, and set my rockets on... OOOF!

I got out there, as soon as possible, but she has a wide range, and... doesn't that woman have anything better to do than torment her loyal dogs? Hey I was trying to protect Alfred from the horrible red tailed...

What the heck was a kite?

I scurried out of Sally May's range, and hit full throttle, and got myself out of there!

Do you see the meaning of ths?

Drover sent me on a suicide mission to beat up a stupid KITE!

He would pay this!

I altered my course toward the gas tanks.

Drover was there, of course, sleeping his life away on his gunny sack bed.

How could he be sleeping while I go into combat?

I have no idea.

I walked up to him.

"Drover, Wake up! I have some bad news for you."

Drover lifted his head. "Gurgle, chicken, nickel with mustard." he muttered.

"I said: Wake up Drover we need to talk!"

His head collapsed, and he went into his series of grunts and snores.

I had no choice but to use The Head of Ranch Security way of waking up my dingbat assistant.

"GET UP, HALF STEPPER! ARISE AND SING! SMELL THE ROSE PEDDLES! AND WHILE YOU'RE AT, **GET UP!**"

heh, heh.

That worked.

He leaped into the air, and yelped in fear, and proceeded to run off to the machine shed.

But I caught him.

"Drover! Stop, we need to talk."

He limped back over to me.

"Did you hear about the walker?" He asked, looking around in all directions.

"The what?"

"There was this guy who cut off his leg! And he was hoping around on his one leg, singing to the arising sun, and smelling rose peddles."

For several seconds I stared into the huge vacuum of his eyes.

I heaved a sigh, let my head drop.

"Drover? May I ask you a personal question?"

"Oh sure, go ahead."

"Have you ever felt like you've been going insane?"

"Well... I'm not sure. I not sure what it fells likes. I ate a mushroom once. it was pretty squishy, and stuff. Do you thinks that's what it feels like?"

I stared at him with empty eyes.

"Yes, Drover. The _whole_ point of this conversation is that you ate a mushroom."

I walked several steps away and banged my head against the Gas Tank's left leg, and then returned to him.

"There! I hope you're happy!"

"Well, not really."

"Sometimes I think you're trying to make a mockery of my life!"

"Thanks. me too."

"Shut up, Drover."

"Okay."

I turned away from the dunce, and tried to clear my mind.

I walked back up to him, with my original goal in mind.

"Drover, I'm afraid I have some bad news."

He winced.

"Don't tell me! I just hate bad news in the mornings!"

"It's not morning, Drover, it's mid-day."

"I don't care. Bad news always has something bad to it."

"Of course it does, you dunce. If it's bad news, then it follows from simple logic, that news is bad."

"Yeah, and I never liked bad news."

"Life is full of disappointments, Drover."

"Yeah, it's a cruel world."

"Maybe so, son, but we must be tough! We must face the bad news, and laugh in it's face!"

"Yeah, cause, nobody likes being bored."

"Exactly! Now if we just..."

I stopped.

I stared at the little luna tic in front of me.

I blinked several times.

"What is the meaning of this conversation?"

"I dunno." Drover replied. "I ate a mushroom, and you said that's what the point was."

"Yes of course."

I paced a few steps away, and shook the vapors out of my head.

"That is _not_ why I came down here, Drover. I came down here to tell you something."

"I'll be derned."

"Involving you."

"I'll be derned."

"And you have me so scrambled up..."

"Gee, I love scrambled eggs."

"I don't know if it's raining or Tuesday."

"Today's Wednesday."

"Shut up."

I whirled around to him.

"NOW I remember! I came down here to tell you terrible news!"

"You did?"

"I did. Now, I am afraid to tell you that... YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE FOR SENDING ME IN COMBAT WITH A KITE!"

There was a moment of silence.

"What's a kite?"

"It's a... How am I supposed to know? The point is, is that you got me in trouble with Sally May! And, during this entire time, you've been sleeping your life away!"

"Yeah, I know, I love sleep."

"Son, I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you five shame on you's!"

"Oh-no, not that!"

"I'm sorry Drover, but you brought this upon yourself."

"Oh drat."

"Six shame on yous, Drover! One for naughty language. Now not a word more!"

"Okay."

I narrowed my eyes and glared at him.

"You said one more word!"

"I did?"

"You did!"

"All I did was say okay."

"OKAY is a word, Drover."

"I thought okay was two letters."

"It's one word! Now, I forbid you to say one more word!"

"OK."

"That's better."

I turned away from him.

Just then I heard something.

IT WAS AN UNIDENTIFIED VEHICLE!

"But enough of that, Drover, because as we speak there is a vehicle coming towards ranch headquarters from the southwest!"

"I'll be derned." Drover said. "I thought it was coming from the driveway."

"It _is _coming from the driveway, you tuna!" I said.

"I'll be derned."

I turned away from Drover's nonsense, and aimed myself for the driveway.

I was about to hit full throttle when Drover stopped me.

"Hank! The Driveway's over there."

I listened. The sound of the car was getting close.

"Drover, the sound _I'M_ hearing is coming from this way. Thus, following simple logic, that is where the driveway is."

"Yeah, but, The Driveway's over there. I can see it with my own eyes."

I sighed, and shook my head.

"Drover when will you learn? I don't have time for this! The yard gate is this way!"

And with that, I went roaring away from Drover, and went zooming towards the driveway.

Can you imagine him trying to make me think that the driveway was in the other direction? Ha!

How dumb did he think I was? I was operating totally on my equipment, and in this job, sometimes you can't trust your eyes. So when I saw something brown looming up, I knew it was simply a mirror-age, or whatever you call those hallucinations you see in the desert.

The driveway was coming right up and...

BONK!

Who put the Machine Shed next to the driveway? I mean, when people are sitting here moving our sheds around we... Nobody had informed me about... How can a guy run a ranch when... Oh.

Okay. What we had here was a simple miscalculation.

You see, sometimes sounds will go from the source it is coming from, and bounce of other things, such as Machine Sheds. It will then bounce off the so forth, and travel to a dog's ear.

There's a scientific name for this. It's called, _Sound-o Bounce-us_.

So you see I had no reason to... There was scientific proof that this has happened to the very best dogs, and I was no exception and... never mind.

Lets just say, I went away from the stupid machine shed, and went out to interrogate the invader on my ranch!


	3. Chapter 3

I raced up to the side of the car, and snapped at its wheels.

Just then, the back window rolled down and something stuck its head out.

GOOD GRIEF!

Do you know what it was?

It was a terrible orange striped Cat Monster!

Yes, a cat monster!

And it growled at me.

Oh and did I mention the teeth? Razor sharp teeth! Dripping with blood! Probably from it's last victim!

Have we discussed cats and monsters?

I don't like either one. Have no use for them at all, and put together...

I, uh, altered course so to speak.

I mean who wouldn't have?

I mean, for all I knew, that car was probably FULL of terrible Cat Monsters ready to take over the ranch!

I took no chances.

When the cat monster took his eyes off me, I, tee hee, lunged at it with teeth lasers.

Boy, you should have seen him.

That CM's eyes bulged, and he rolled up the window as fast as he could.

Yes sir, he wanted nothing of the Head of Ranch Security.

When the car began to slow down, I stopped with the teeth lasers on the tires.

I raced up to the front gate, and sent a barrage of barks right at that car!

Yes sir.

I did a good job, and that's probably why that car screeched to a halt right in front of me.

I heard the driver say something.

What was it?

Oh yes.

"Stupid dog! Got in front of the stupid idiotic car, almost got run over... IDIOT!"

Obviously he was impressed by the mightiness of my mightiness.

Loper stepped out of house and walked up to the car.

"May I help you?" He asked the driver.

"Yes." said the driver. "A friend of yours sent me here. Slim?"

"Oh yeah." Said Loper. "Yes, he's my hired hand."

"I know." Said the driver. "He said I could stay here during my business trip."

Loper's eyes bulged.

"HE WHAT!"

I didn't hear the rest of the conversation, because, at that very moment, I noticed, the back seat door was opening up.

Do see the clues here?

Here, check this out.

Clue #1: A strange car bearing a driver appears on the ranch.

Clue #2: This particular car held a strange creature that we only knew as the Cat Monster.

Clue #3: and most finally, the CM was in the back seat. To which was opening up right now!

Yes, unless I'm badly mistaken, THAT CAT MONSTER WAS EXITING THE CAR, AND ENTERING THE RANCH!

I couldn't let this happen!

I sent out a barrage of barks.

These were the kind of barks that made enemy radar whither and explode before your very eyes!

The kind of barks that sent enemy armies scattering in fear and terror!

He kind of barks...

"HANK! SHUT UP THAT BARKING, OR YOU'LL BE PULLING BULLETS OUT OF YOUR FACE FOR WEEKS!"

umm... gulp. Yes sir.

Ok, I, uh, canceled the extreme barks.

The Cat Monster stepped out of the car, almost as if it was his own ranch.

He took a deep breath of... well air, of course.

What else would he... skip it.

I sent up a growl at the CM.

It stared at me for a long moment.

Then he said (and this is a direct quote) he said, "Calvin! Come look at this! It's hilarious!"

A small boy stepped out of the car, and stared at me.

He burst out laughing.

"Hobbes! That dog's so scared, that every hair on his body is standing up!"

The CM, Hobbes, I guess he was called, laughed harder and gasped "I know! HA, HA, HA!"

I was insulted.

Never in my whole life...

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!"

OK! That did it!

I would now be forced to... um... step back a few steps.

I mean, it's no disgrace to take a couple steps... three steps... ok, several steps backward.

And it had nothing to do about being scared!

I mean... no reason to rush into things.

Waste makes haste... Wast makes Haste... HASTE MAKES WASTE, shall we say, and I didn't want to waste anything.

I mean... skip it.

Where was I?

Oh yes, I was stepping backward a few steps and it had nothing to do with so called fear.

The one called Hobbes took a step toward me.

"BOO!" He yelled.

That must have been some kind of code word.

I decided to ignore it.

The driver of the car stepped out of the car along with another woman.

"Alright, I'll take you in, but you have to sleep on couch. Sally May doesn't have any extra beds."said Loper.

"Fine with me." said the man.

Loper grumbled, and headed for the house.

"CALVIN! Stay away from that dog, you don't know it!"

The short boy, Calvin, rolled his eyes and walked away.

Hobbes followed.

I took this opportunity to, um, make a run for it, shall we say.

I ran around to the back of the yard.

Would you like to guess who or whom I met there?

Drover.

"What are you doing back here? You should be marking those tires."

"Nope, not me! I saw a tiger in there!"

"Drover, that wasn't a tiger. It was a terrible cat monster who invaded the ranch!"

"I'll be derned. What's a cat monster?"

"It's a crossbreed between monsters and cats, Drover"

"looked like a tiger to me."

I stared at him.

"It wasn't a tiger! It was horrible..."

Just then... Pete showed up.

Have I mentioned that when a cat comes into my sight, I growl?

No kidding. And it's with no conscious effort on my part.

Pete grinned and walked up to me.

"Mmmmm, hello, Hankie. Did you see the tiger that came onto the ranch?"

My gaze moved from Pete to Drover, then back to Pete.

"What is all this about a TIGER on the ranch, kitty? I saw a vicious Cat Monster!"

Pete grinned. "Well then, I guess there ISN'T a tiger on the ranch. I mean, who can argue with the Head of Ranch Security?"

"You're being sarcastic, Pete! Don't bother to deny it! And I'll have you know that was a CAT MONSTER! And I gave him a sound thrashing."

The cat's eyes widened.

"MMMMMMM! Oh really? Well, that's not what **I** saw."

I snorted a laugh.

"Ok, Pete, Just for laughs, what DID you see?"

"I saw you..." A dumb grin spread across his face. "Run away like a cheetah on the hunt."

I stared at the stupid... uh... the cat.

I laughed.

"HA, HA, HA, HA! Pete, that's the dumbest thing you've said since the last dumb thing you said. A cheetah? On the hunt? HA! HA! HA! **HA!**"

Pete grinned.

"Yes, one bystander, might think that you look a little..." He batted his eyes. "Stupid."

HUH!

My lips raised revealing inch long fangs.

"You'd best take that back, kitty, or there's likely to be cat all over the ranch!"

He batted his eyes again, and said, "Mmmmmm, make me."

Make him, huh? I'll make him! I'll make him a pie is what **I'LL** make him!

I leaped right into the middle of the cat.

I buried him.

However, he didn't stay buried.

Helanded a one lucky punch.

Two lucky punches.

Several lucky punches.

Sigh.

Ok, he did a pretty good job chainsawing my face off.

But I soon got the upper hand, and ran him up a tree.

HA, HA!

"AND LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU, CAT! THE NEXT TIME YOU FELL LIKE INSULTING THE HEAD OF RANCH SECURITY, MAYBE YOU'LL THINK OTHERWISE!"

"Maybe." He said. "or maybe I won't. I had a good time with your face, Hankie, we'll have to do it again, sometime."

Through my half missing lips I spat, "SHUT UP, CAT!" whirled around, and marched proudly down to the Gas Tanks.

There I met the short boy.

What was his name?

Oh yeah, Calvin.

Calvin appeared to be studying our office complex.

And the CM was no where to be seen.

Hobbes. Might as well call them by their names.

"What the heck is THIS!" Calvin yelled. "A potato sack? They expect the dogs to sleep on potato sacks! HA! Hobbes! C'mere!"

Uh oh.

Hobbes came rushing up.

"THEY EXPECT THE DOGS TO SLEEP UNDER A GAS TANK, ON POTATO SACKS!"

They started laughing again.

That seemed odd. **I** sure didn't see anything funny about it.

"Wow!" said Hobbes. "A dog has his pride I'm sure, but gunnysacks?"

They burst out laughing again.

"Whoo." Calvin sighed. "It's times like this, that I'm happy I got a tiger instead of dog."

HUH!

Uh... ok.

What we had here was... I had never really believed that Hobbes was a Cat Monster! Ha, ha.

No.

I had known that he was a tiger all along...

I mean...

skip it.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, I did a routine patrol of the corrals, barked up the sun at 0800 hours,and returned to my office, confident that I did a good morning's work.

Drover was there, of course, sleeping his life away, and making his usual orchestra of weird noises.

I ignored him, and turned to a stack of reports on my desk.

OK, maybe I fell asleep.

But it was a shallow sleep. More of a resting of eyes kind of thing.

Well, the next thing I knew, the door up at the house slammed, and I heard footsteps.

I leaped to my feet, staggered around in a circle, and yelled, "PORKCHOP THE MUTTERING HONKY WIFFLE! Wake up, Drover! For in case my ears deceive me, SCRAPS are being served at the yard gate! WE MUST BEAT THE CAT!"

Drover leaped to his feet, and started limping around in circles.

"SCRAPS! Oh my gosh, Hank! There's scraps being served at the yard gate!"

"That's what I said, you tuna!"

"Oh. Well, I guess so."

And with that we went streaking for the yard gate to beat Pete the sneak to morning breakfast scraps!

It wasn't Sally May with the breakfast scraps.

It was Calvin, and his tiger.

Bummer.

But on then one hand, we beat the cat to the false alarm, and notched up a mortal victory over the forces of kittydom!

Calvin was holding a bowl of... something, and Hobbes was at his side.

Calvin exited the yard gate, made some comment onmy... erm... _Drover's_odor, then sat down on a log, and began eating his... what did he call it?

Chocolate Sugar Frosted Bombs.

Sounded pretty silly to me.

I mean, there he sat, gobbling down his Chocolate Bombs, and vibrating slightly.

Drover turned and stared at me.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's eating cereal, Drover." I said. "It must be of the sugary kind."

"I'll be derned." Drover said. "I could have sworn he said he was eating... chocolate bombs."

"No." I said. "That's simply the name of the cereal. A name is a name, Drover."

"Yeah, and if someone didn't have one, they wouldn't have their identity."

"Exactly!" I exclaimed. "So there you have it, Drover. This boy is eating chocolate flavored bombs."

"I'll be derned. How does he stomach bombs?"

"It's not easy, I'll tell you that, Drover." I said. "As says the old saying, _a stomached bomb never boils_."

"Yeah, and if you wanted to boil a stomach just drink hot water."

I stared at the runt.

All at once, I realized that this conversation was making absolutely no sense whatsoever.

"Drover?" I asked. "Is there a point to this conversation?"

"No, I don't think so."

I cut my eyes from side to side.

I stepped away from the little simpleton, and tried to shake the vapors out of my head.

I walked back to him, and gave him a stern glare.

"Drover? May I ask you a personal question?"

"Oh sure, go ahead."

"Have you ever felt that you might be going insane?"

"Well..."

"Well, it's too late! It's already happened! I don't know how you manage to do it, Drover, but you have just yanked me back into one of your brainless swamp conversations!"

"Gee, Thanks, me too."

"Don't ever speak to me, again."

I whirled away from the little lunatic, and marched back over to Calvin and the Cat Mon... and Hobbes.

Hmmm, It appeared that Calvin had dropped one of the Sugar Chocolate flavor bombs on the ground.

I stared up at him.

He was gobbling the food down, and take no notice of me.

Hmmmm...

I moved closer to the bomb, and sniffed it.

I looked back up at Calvin to make sure this wasn't a trick.

I slowly nudged the round brown item with my nose, then scooped it up in my mouth.

I rolled the bomb around in my mouth for a second and...

HUH!

All at once, my ears shot up, my eyes bulged, my tail turned into a stick, my legs became stiff, and I started vibrating violently.

_That _was what he was eating!

I did three backflips, four handstands, a three meter dash, three carbunkles, twenty pushups, and I was still vibrating.

Cartwheels, not carbunkles.

That stuff was sweet! TOO SWEET! _EXTREMELY SWEET!_ **_DANGEROUSLY SWEET!_**

All the circuits in data control went haywire, the computers hummed, everything was set on OVERLOAD!

I rushed to the computer of my mind and typed in the command to spit out the bomb. It didn't work. I tried it again, and again, but the old jaw muscles were just petrified shut.

Drover, Calvin and Hobbes were all staring me.

"What's he doing?" Calvin asked, taking another spoonful of the chocolate bombs.

"I just watched him gobble up one of your cereal bits." Hobbes said.

I had been hopping around in circles by this time, trying to spit out that yucko chocolate, when I realized that Drover had come up to me.

"Are they really bombs, Hank?" He asked.

I gave him a withering glare, and spat, "Over! Umimes I ink oor eyeing oo ake a _ockery_ of my ife's wouk!"

"No thanks, I'm stuffed. Besides it looks to sweet for me."

I retyped the message to empty mouth.

It still didn't work!

This was getting serious, fellers, I pawed at mouth, and tried to get that awful cereal out of my face!

Calvin and Hobbes continued to watch me.

"Do you think we should help him?" Hobbes asked.

"Sure." Calvin said. "But _I'm _sure not going to pry his disgusting slobbering mouth open. _You_ do it."

Hobbes sighed, got up, and started walking towards me.

Well! I sure didn't need a tiger working on my mouth!

I hit full reverse on all engines, and went roaring for...

CRASH!

That is, I crashed into the fence post.

Hobbes walked over to me, and took hold of my nose, and lower jaw.

Slowly, grunting and pulling, Hobbes managed to pry my mouth open, and knock the bomb out.

OH SWEET RELIEF!

I shook my head, and tried to get out all the deadly toxins that had invaded my body.

Once that was taken care of, I marched... uh, waddled over to Drover, and... my tongue was hanging out of my mouth?

Hmmm.

Well it appeared that I had been exposed to deadly Sugar Frosted Chocolate Bomb poisoning. And, uh, waddling and tongue extension are full symptoms of, uh, Chocolate poisoning.

No kidding

Drover was staring me with his usual simple grin.

"Hi Hank! Was it good?"

I glared at the mutt.

"Rover it waz _not_ good! I'd nebber pasted anything worth in my enbire life!"

"Yeah, Thanks me too,"

"Thut up, Rover. Your nonthenthe is thu wast thing I need wight now."

And so, I heaved my beaten body up to the gas tanks, and collapsed on my warm gunnysack bed.

And yes, I did catch a few winks of sleep. But it was only momentarily, because, all at once, I picked up another sound.

IT WAS THE SLAMMING OF THE DOOR!

I leaped to my feet, and spun around in all directions.

SALLY MAY WAS GIVING OUT THE BREAKFAST SCRAPS DOWN AT THE YARD GATE!

I hit full throttle, and went roaring down to the yard gate where Sally May would give me...

We needn't go into details. I got one lousy piece of burnt toast, and Drover and Kitty Kitty got everything else.

I will say no more on the subject.

I had been crunching my toast, when all at once, the door slammed, again.

I looked up and saw that same tall guy with the glasses, and the thinning hair.

He was putting on a business suit, and was strolling out the yard gate.

"Calvin," He said turning to Calvin. "I'm going to the meeting I was called for. Please don't make any trouble while I'm gone."

Calvin grinned.

"Oh, don't worry about a thing, Dad! Me and Hobbes 'll be _angels!_"

Dad walked away rolling his eyes, and muttering to himself.

That left me alone with Calvin and Hobbes.

And Drover, the little moron, who was sitting there in the middle of the dirt, looking simple with that stupid grin on his face.

It got pretty boring, after a while.

And come to think of it, I had better things to do right then and there, then sit in the middle of nowhere and be bored.

Things such as,

A.

B.

C.

And D.

And I'll fill in the blanks later, because they've slipped my mind at the moment.

And so, I jacked myself up, turned, and walked away from the boring crowd.

Suddenly, I heard a sound.

I looked behind me.

Calvin, Hobbes and Drover hadn't moved.

I shrugged it off, and continued my march.

I heard it again.

It was a kind of announcing voice.

I turned, and looked back at the three...

HUH!

I saw something exremely weird in front of me.

You'll never guess what it was.


	5. Chapter 5

Do I dare reveal what I saw Calvin do?

Ah what the heck, I guess it wouldn't hurt.

Here's what I saw.

Calvin had his eyes squeezed shut, and he had his hands outstretched as if he was holding something. Oh and he was muttering.

"_The intrepid SPACEMAN SPIFF sails across the vast regions of the galaxy!_"

What was that supposed to mean?

I stepped closer, and tried to decode the message. For, unless I was badly mistaken, Calvin had just been taken over by some form of creature!

Someone who we knew only as, _Spiceman Spaff_.

I needed to probe the matter deeper.

I moved in, and locked onto Calvin's voice transmissions.

Would you like to hear the transcript of Calvin's muttering?

Usually, I don't do these kind of things because... well, think about it.

If our enemies ever got hold of this knowledge, then they would... I don't know what they would do, but it would be bad.

We usually don't release this kind of information until 2045.

Yes sir, it's _that_ secret.

But I guess if we gave you a little peek it wouldn't hurt.

However, you must promise to forget all of it!

Promise?

Because if you don't you aren't allowed to read the following information.

If you don't promise, then just hit the back button and go read something else.

Alright here it is.

* * *

The amazing SPACEMAN SPIFF probes the deep darkness of the galaxy, hoping to find an intergalactic fast food restaurant, soon. Suddenly, and all of a sudden, Zorkians from planet X-575, appear out of nowhere, and start firing deadly zorcher rays at our famed hero! Our hero desperately tries to maneuver past the alien's rang!

At this point, Calvin began swaying back and forth, keeping his hand on the so called steering wheel.

Suddenly our hero is hit!

Calvin leaped off of the bench and collapsed to the ground.

OUR HERO IS GOING DOWN!

Calvin began running around in circles.

Our hero's only hope is to attempt to perform a 100 mph landing on a planet's surface!

Calvin started running towards the machine shed.

Our hero lowers the landing gear! CAN HE MAKE IT!

* * *

See? I told you it was weird.

And now, this was very odd, now Calvin leaped off his feet, and slammed face first into the dirt, sending dust everywhere.

Hobbes, Drover and I watched.

Well, you know me.

If any child falls to the dirt, sending dust up, I don't just sit there looking simple.

I started barking.

I leaped to my feet put the whole ranch under red alert, and rushed to the scene of the crashed kid.

Once there, I started performing several CPR emergency licks on the face.

That brought it around.

Quickly.

A little too well, actually.

After the third lick, he kicked me in the ribs, OOF! And said, this kinda hurt my feelings, he hissed at me, "Stop licking me, you idiot dog!"

I had never been so insulted.

I had just saved his life, and he...

Never mind.

Just skip it.

Dog's have feelings too, though.

Calvin spat and sputtered, and wiped his mouth several times, and Hobbes for some reason began laughing his head off.

But after Calvin was through insulting me, he sat back down at the bench with Hobbes.

Ya know, I never did find out who Spiceman Spaff was.

I guess it was just one of those things...

* * *

I stayed for about fifteen minutes after the episode.

I mean, I swore an oath to protect all little children.

Even the ones that were bratty.

Soon, though, even Calvin and Hobbes went into the house, and that left me alone with Drover.

Calvin had said something about, "preparing for the game." before he went into the house.

I turned to Drover.

"Drover, did you hear that?"

His eyes drifted down from the clouds, and onto me.

He stared at me for a long moment.

"What?"

"I said, did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"What Calvin said."

"Did he say something?"

"Yes."

"I'll be derned. What did he say?"

"That's what I'm asking you!" I yelled. "I was asking you if you heard what Calvin said."

He rolled his eyes around.

"Well... I'm not sure."

My eyes bulged.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT SURE! I ASKED YOU A SIMPLE QUESTION AND LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH IT!"

He shriveled back in horror.

"Don't yell at me! It makes me think you don't like me."

"I'm just going insane is all!"

I marched away from him, and tried to escape the swamp of his mind.

I turned, and came back to him.

"Drover?" I asked. "I asked you the simple statement if you had heard what Calvin had said. Did you?"

"Question."

"What?"

"You asked me the simple question, not statement."

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"OK! OK!"

He thought for a long moment.

Finally, he said, "No I don't think I did."

"Thank you, Drover. That's all I wanted."

"Thanks"

"Your welcome. Let's go check it out."

We studied the front door for a long moment, then Calvin and Hobbes emerged from it.

They were wearing the most ridiculous outfits I'd ever seen in my life.

They had black masks on, and Calvin was holding a volleyball.

What they planned on doing with a volleyball, I didn't know.

Yet.

Calvin said something about Calvinball, and they rushed off towards the Home Pasture.

I turned to Drover.

He had fallen asleep.

I calmly told him to wake up.

"GET UP, HALF STEPPER! ARISE AND SING! GET UP AND SMELL THE COBRAS!"

One eye popped open.

"HELP! MURDER! MAYDAY! I'M SCARED OF SNAKES! OH MY LEG!"

"Forget the leg. Get out of bed, Drover, or else you'll start growing roots."

He sat up, and stared at me with crossed eyes.

"Did you just say somebody forgot their leg on their vacation to Rootwood?"

"No. I did not say that. I told you to get up, or you would start growing roots on your gunnysack."

"Yeah, and if someone forgot their leg, they'd really be lost!"

"Exactly! And let that be a lesson to you! Never forget your leg, Drover! No matter how much it burdens you!"

"I saw a bird the other day. He was flying over the house."

"Yes, the birds are coming back from down south,"

"Yeah, good old birds. I've always liked them."

"Yes, and me too."

There was a moment of silence.

"I seem to have lost my train of thought."

"No, I've been here forever."

I glared at the runt.

"And I believe that _you_ are the reason my brains are scrambled, Drover!"

"Yeah, I love scrambled eggs."

"Shut up, Drover."

"OK." Calvin said, a few feet away from us. "This is pretty wide open terrain, so this should be a perfect Calvinball field."

Calvinball field? What was he talking about?

Calvin and Hobbes walked away.

Did I mention that Calvin and Hobbes were wearing masks?

Yes sir, masks.

I turned to Drover.

"Do you know what's going on here?"

"Not really."

"Calvin and Hobbes being called for a top secret mission. So secret, that they need masks for the operation, so their enemies wont recognize them. Holy smokes, Drover! Unless I'm badly mistaken, Calvin and Hobbes are actually SPIES!"

"I thought they said that we were going to play a game."

"Drover, he was using code. Don't you understand? We always have to use code words for our operations! Especially top secret ones like this!"

Drover blinked.

"I'll be derned." he said. "What's the mission?"

"We're not sure about that, yet, Drover. It's so secret that not even the elite troops of the security division can handle the deep dark truth of it all!"

"I'll be derned."

"And we're obligated to follow him to this mysterious CALVINBALL FIELD."

"Have fun."

"And you're coming with me."

"Oh drat."

He started limping around in a circle.

"I'd love to come, Hank, but my leg's been acting up."

"Drover, you're coming with me if you want to or not!"

"Oh darn."

"And we will have none of your naughty language!"

"Oh smirkle."

"That's better. Let's go."

And with that, we launched ourselves into the mission.

I got onto the radio, and called Drover.

"Dingdong, this is Dishrag. Do you have a visual?"

"What?"

"Can you see Calvin or Hobbes yet!"

"Oh. no, not yet."

"Hmmm, this is very odd. Is it possible that they have vanished in thin hair?"

"Maybe. Or maybe we're going in the wrong direction."

I screeched to a stop.

Drover did the same.

I glared at the mutt.

"What do mean we're going in the wrong direction?"

"Well, Calvin and Hobbes went that way. We're heading towards the Caprock."

I cut my eyes from side to side.

I turned and glared at Drover.

"Drover, this is the last time I let you lead our progression."

"Yeah, but..."

"Don't argue with me! Calvin and Hobbes were going _that_ way, you dunce!"

"Yeah but..."

"We can only hope that you haven't ruined our reputation."

"Yeah but..."

"Shut up, Drover. _I'm_ leading this time. And no more excuses!"

I turned around, and started streaking off in the other direction.

Drover followed.

Can you believe that Drover would do that? I mean, how dumb is that?

We went streaking for the barn, where we found Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin was setting little round iron things into the dirt, and Hobbes was stacking up mallets, balls, and little pink things with white on the top.

What were they doing? Preparing for battle?

Yes that's it, they were preparing for battle.

I spun around to Drover.

"Drover, unless I'm badly mistaken, we've just blown this case wide open!"

I spun back around.

"Alright." Calvin said, holding a mallet up. "The first person to find Base twelve gets a ghost point and one free 'get out of jail'."

"Wait, that's how we did it, last time." Hobbes said.

"Uh huh. Good point."

Calvin thought.

"OK! New rule, first one to get the Bonus Box gets a free pass to wicket five."

"Sounds good to me."

None of this was making any sense to me.

I turned to Drover.

"Drover, they're using code. I can't understand anything they're saying."

"They're about to play a game."

"Don't be stupid. Of course they're not going to play a game. Why do you think they have masks? It's not just decoration."

"I guess not. But they're going to play a game."

"That's the most preposterous thing I've ever heard! In the first place..."

I turned around, and stared at Calvin and Hobbes.

I didn't know what the heck they were doing.

Until Calvin grabbed the volleyball, threw it into the air, kicked it with his foot, and it came flying straight for me.

Then I knew...


	6. Chapter 6

WHACK!

The ball collided right into the middle of my face!

"SCORE!" Calvin screamed. "THE CALVINBALL LANDED IN THE SCORE ZONE!"

Drover stared at me.

"What happened?" he asked.

I spit the volleyball out of my mouth, and glared at him.

"He threw the volleyball in my face, you tuna!"

"He did?"

"He did!" I spat. "And furthermore..."

He did it again.

BONK!

I went flying backwards into the dirt.

They were now running around the horse pasture, throwing the ball around, and shouting out new rules.

I was, well, you might say, outraged!

I mean, who or whom did he think he was?

Had he no respect for the Head of Ranch Security?

WHACK!

No, I don't think so.

Do you know why?

Because he threw the stupid ball at my face, again!

Well, I never...

WHACK!

I didn't have to take this.

I jacked myself up, held my nose at a proud angle, and marched away.

I would allow them to continue to engage in their foolish...

WHACK!

I zoomed away.

After I was out of range, I began marching, again.

I marched up to the Gas Tanks and spotted...

AH HA!

A cat!

Yes, I saw Pete the Barncat licking himself next to the feed barn.

Well, I was real angry about the volleyball incident, and I decided that Pete would cheer me up a bit.

Tee hee.

I snuck up behind him, and jumped him.

"LOOK OUT PETE! I CAN'T STOP THIS THING!"

CRASH!

"MREEEOOOOOW! HISSSSSSS!"

Hee hee.

I buried him.

Only, he didn't stay buried.

He turned on his chainsaw mode, and started buzzing me with his claws.

And yes, he did much damage to my face.

And yes, he got out from my massive paws, and got more blows in.

And yes, he somehow climbed up on top of my back, and started buzzsawing that.

The good news, though, was that I bucked him off, and ran him up a tree.

Through my bleeding lips, I screamed, "TAKE THAT! THAT'S FOR GIVING OUT FAULTY INFORMATION ABOUT THE CAT MONSTER! LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU"

He gave me a sweet grin.

"Oh, hi, Hankie. Did I hurt you?"

"You scratched me, Pete, but the bad new for you, is that I don't care! These are battle wounds, and I will wear them proudly."

He stared at me.

"Hmm, yes." He said. "Anyway, I spotted a racoon in the feed barn, Hankie. He was sleeping under one of the bags."

I glared at him.

"Pete, that's the dumbest thing you've said since the last dumb thing you've said."

"Yes, well, he's there."

"No he's not."

"Well, then, go prove it."

I stared at him.

My data banks whirred.

I didn't know what this cat was up to, but I was going to find out.

I decided to play along with it.

"Shut up, cat!"

And with that, I marched away.

I knew he was watching me to see if I went to the feed barn.

HA!

I didn't even look at the feed barn.

I marched right past it, and headed back to the horse pasture to see Drover.

I thought that he needed to be informed on Pete's tip.

Calvin and Hobbes were still there, playing their dumb game.

And, I noticed that nobody was slamming the ball into DROVER! Oh no, It was just me.

Dumbbells.

I marched over to Drover and gave him a stern glare.

"So, are you enjoying the game?"

Drover looked up.

"Oh, yeah. Calvin just scored."

"Good. Great. I'm glad you're having fun goofing off."

"Yeah. Hobbes had the Calvinball in the minute zone, but Calvin took the flag of all flags and pinned it in the hour zone. He said hours beat minutes, so they went into a rock, paper, scissors game. Calvin won, and he scored three ghost points."

"Terrific. I'm sorry, Drover, but I'm afraid that duty calls, and we don't have time to sit around and watch dumb games that..."

WHAM!

He did it again.

CALVIN THREW THE BALL INTO MY FACE AGAIN!

I couldn't believe it!

I hadn't even been there for one minute and he...

Never mind.

Just skip it.

The point is that I led Drover out of the horse pasture, and led him to the feed barn.

I looked around in all directions to see if Pete was watching.

He wasn't.

I stopped.

Drover ran into me, the little lunatic.

I spun around to him.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"I didn't say anything."

"You ran into me, you tuna. Now, here's the plan, We're going to make this a silent run. We'll sneak in there, check the sacks, and leave. Got it."

"Alright, but only if this old leg of mine..."

I ignored him.

I had heard enough about his "old leg" to last a life time.

Let's face it.

He's a little hypacardiac.

Sometimes I think...

Ah well, no point dwelling on nonsense.

We made our way up to the feed shed.

I was surprised, nay, shocked to find Slim and Loper the cowboys muttering and grumbling to themselves next to the feed barn's door.

Now what were they...

I turned to Drover.

He had snuck away, the little dunce, and left me to discover what the cowboys were up to.

I crept forward, activated my earatory scanners, and homed in on Slim and Loper's voices.

"Stupid coons! One more night of this, and we'll need to buy more feed!"

HUH?

What were they talking about?

I had checked the feed barn not a while ago and...

I squinted my eyes and stared into the feed barn.

You'll never guess what I saw inside.

I was shocked!


	7. Chapter 7

Where was I?

Oh, yes. I had just squinted around in the feed barn, and I had discovered something amazing!

Actually, it wasn't all that surprising.

I saw a welding tool sitting on the ground.

This was typical cowboy work.

You see, the cowboys on this outfit never bother to put anything up.

They'll finish using it, drop it, then go off to something else.

I had no idea how the welding tool had gotten to the feed barn.

Actually, I did have a pretty good theory.

The cowboys were working on something that involved a welding tool.

When they were done, they stuck the tool in their pocket, and walked over to the feed barn.

Once at the feed barn, the tool dropped from their pockets and clattered to the ground.

In other words, I have just revealed the organization on this outfit.

Would you like to see how they treat their other tools?

We don't usually give out that information, because our enemies are always listening in, and taking notes.

But, I don't think it would hurt to give you a quick glimpse into the organization.

OK, here we go.

**TOP SECRET  
****For dogs only!  
****File 54534543  
****Codename: Dishrag  
****(SAMPLE)**

**Ropes:** tangled up on the wall of the Machine Shed.

**Saddles:** stacked up on the desk in the saddle shed.

**Welders:** strewn wherever light never reaches.

**Cowboy boots:** strewn across the closet in the house. You can never find two shoes that go together. When you look at Slim Chance, you can see that he's wearing different colored boots on each foot. No kidding.

**Chicken feed: **stuffed in the Machine Shed along with our Co-op dog food. Sometimes, the elite troops of the security division mistake chicken feed for dog food, and start crunching on it. Don't ever eat chicken feed. It's garbage. And I don't understand how chickens can stand to eat the stuff!

**End of Top Secret File**

So there you have it, a quick peek into the way we run this ranch.

Pretty shoddy if you ask me.

But nobody ever does, so just skip it.

But what was it that Loper had mentioned that was making him so angry?

Something about coons.

I squinted, and looked deeper into the darkness of the shed.

Oops.

There appeared to be three ripped, half empty sacks laying on the floor.

Or maybe they were half full.

Were they half empty or half full?

Never mind.

The point is, is that Slim, Loper, and I all stood around the Feed Shed, staring at the ripped feed sacks with disgusted expressions.

Dumb coons.

They thought that they could raid _my_ feed barn! ON _MY_ RANCH! I took that as a personal insult!

Not just to me, but to the entire nation of cowdogs all over the world!

OK, mostly me, though.

And, so, we continued to give the feed barn disgusted looks and glares.

Then, Slim and Loper turned their glares on...

HUH!

ME!

"Hank, you moron! Where were you when the feed barn was being raided?"

Uh...

"Barking your fool head off in the middle of the stupid night!"

But... How had... I wasn't...

And so, Slim and Loper just stood there, and glared at me, while I roasted under them.

Well, I knew what I had do.

I rushed away from the scene.

I knew that Drover and I had to prepare for a camp out at the feed shed.

For you see, my spiritual whatever told me that the coons would be back, tonight.

I knew right where to find Drover.

I marched up to the Machine Shed, where I found him cowering under one of Loper's old blankets.

I kicked him out, and told him to prepare for a night job.

He moaned and cried, but I didn't care.

"THIS LEG'S KILLING ME!"

I pushed him out of the Machine Shed, and marched him to the Gas Tanks.

"OK, son, get some sleep." I said, yawning. "We have to get up at eight o'clock, tonight, to watch for the return of the racoons."

"HELP!"

It took me fifteen minutes of brainless conversations, but finally, Drover fell asleep, and began his series of grunts and wheezes and other weird noises I didn't have classifications for.

Calvin and Hobbes came back from their dumb game, and went back into the house.

Then, the cowboys went into the house, for lunch.

That left me alone.

I knew that the suspense of waiting for the big night would keep me awok, awake, that is, but I knew in my bleepest heart of mumble... That is, in my deepest heart of heart I knew I would nebber ball a gliggle into muttering sleep.

Snorkle, the murk... that is, I knew the temptation to drift off into muttering sleep was very powdery, but so was my grumb blumb the simble the...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* * *

OK, maybe I fell asleep. 

Who wouldn't have fallen asleep?

I was worn to a frazzle.

A nubbin. A shadow of my former self.

So yes, I fell asleep, and caught a few winks of sleep before I woke up, and realized that it was night.

I saw by the position of the sun that it was exactly eight o'clock.

I turned to the sleeping lump of twitching, grunting fur in front of me.

Drover.

I glared at him, and told him to wake up.

"GET UP, HALF STEPPER! ARISE AND SING!"

He leaped several feet in the air, and yelped.

"YEEK!"

If I hadn't have stopped him, he would've streaked off to the Machine Shed.

But I did, and told him to prepare for the night guard.

He didn't want to do it.

He moaned and cried, but I didn't listen.

I mean, if you listen to Drover all the time, you'll never hear the end of it.

We marched up to the feed shed.

The night was dark, but warm.

We marched up to the feed shed, and stationed ourselves in front of the door.

The front of the door, you see, is warped at the bottom.

It's warped so much, that a racoon or even a dog could crawl underneath it, and enter the barn.

This job had needed to be fixed for years.

You'd think the cowboys would hop to the job of fixing the door, so it didn't get raided all the time.

Ha!

What a joke.

You tell them about the warp in the door, and all at once, they have a million jobs to do, they're in the middle of a depression, and can't buy any more wood, and, of course, it's to hot to be doing such jobs.

Kinda shoddy way to run a ranch if you ask me.

Anyway, we marched ourselves over to the front of the feed barn, and sat down in front of it.

For a long time, we just waited.

I kinda...yawn... wished it was more light out.

But the only light we had came from the...yawn... moon.

I blinked my eyes, several times.

I turned to Drover.

"Drover, I'm falling asleep, quick, do something to keep me awake."

Drover yawned.

"YAWN... uh, OK. Let's see here... YAWN..."

"Must you yawn?" I demanded.

"Well, I... I... YAWN... can't help it."

"Of course you can help it! It's very rude and uncouth to yawn... YAWN... there you see! You have me yawning, now!"

"YAWN! Well, I can't help it."

"You just said that."

"I know."

"Then why did you... YAWN... repeat yourself?"

"Well, I... YAWN... I don't know. I'm liable to say anything, I'm so... YAWN... tired."

"YAWN!"

"YAWN!"

"YAWN!"

I leaped to my feet, and paced around in a circle.

"Drover, this is getting serious. I need to stay awake for when the coons come. Can you think of anything to keep me aw... YAWN ... awake?"

"Well, let's see. I don't... YAWN... know. You might try waking yourself up by... YAWN ... hitting yourself with something."

I glared at the runt.

"_Hit_ myself with something! Why would I do that?"

"Well, if you... YAWN ... hit yourself, then you'll wake up, and you won't yawn anymore."

I yawned, and contemplated that.

"Drover, you may have a point. Alright, I'll run into the feed barn and see what help it does. Let's just hope my enormous body won't tear the entire foundation down."

"Yeah, that's... YAWN... that's something to worry about."

"Stand back, Drover, it's time to launch all... YAWN... dogs."

I took a step back, and aimed myself at the feed barn.

I prepared to Launch All Dogs, hit the feed shed, and cause the yawning muscles in my yawnitory system to become paralyzed for the night, and I'll stop yawning.

Yes, I know, this is pretty complicated, but bear with me.

I flipped several switches on the control panel of DC (Data Control), and prepared for the LAD procedure.

I threw dust up, and roared forward towards the wall.

I must have thrown up several trees and tore up various bushes and gravel as I went screaming towards the wall.

It came roaring up, and I knew my yawning would all be over in five... four... three... two... one...

**__**

CRASH!

I must have miscalculated the speed that my feet was propelling me.

The collision was certainly more hard than I expected it to be.

And suddenly, I was laying on my back, staring up the stars and checkers circling my head.

And as if that was worse enough, the collision hadn't... YAWN... Gotten rid of my stupid yawns.

I picked myself up, and turned a glare on Drover.

"Drover, I'm afraid this will have to go into my report."

"But..."

"Don't argue with me! This was your dumb idea from the start, so you're going to take the blame!"

"Oh darn."

I marched away from the little lunatic, and sat down several feet away from the door.

Dumb door. It didn't even have a dent in it.

YAWN.

Dumb yawns.

I must have sat up for ten more minutes before I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, and I had to go to sleep.

Yes, I fell asleep.

I'm proud that I fell asleep.

Falling asleep is a lot more less painful than running into a dumb feed barn wall.

Well, the next thing I knew, it was morning.

The morning sun was coming down onto me, and I was awakened.

I got up, stretched all four legs, and yawned.

Yes, I yawned.

WOW!

Wonderful sleep.

Well, I was sitting there, being happy and warm, when all at once, a long shadow fell over me.

I opened my eyes, and stared into the eyes of some kind of unknown creature.

The creature had terrible yellow horns sticking out of his head.

He was red, and striped at the chest and belly.

Good grief! There was a horrible horned thing on my ranch!

I leaped to my feet, and set a barrage of code three barking at it.

It raised it's arms over it's horned head, and screeched.

"I COME FOR HANK THE COWDOG!" It shrieked in a high pitched voice.

YIKES!

I hit full reverse, and zoomed in the opposite...

CRASH!

I backed right into a tree.

The creature moved forward, growling a low terrible growl.

A strip of hair on my back shot straight up, and I started growling at the creature.

Except it wasn't a growl.

It came out like more of a gargle. Or a yodel.

The creature began to move forward, his legs stiff, as he walked towards me with its arms over his head.

Oh and he was growling.

And... chuckling?

He was chuckling.

Now why would he...

I growled and gurgled and gargled at the monster.

But then, HOLY SMOKES!

The monster leaped through the air, and lunged for me with it's horrible yellow horns flying towards me!

And then...

I'm sorry but this next part can not be read by anyone under the age of 35. Too scary.

Sorry.


	8. Chapter 8

OK, I'm going to have to check some ID.

I'm afraid that the following information can not be read by anyone under the age of 45.

Sorry.

Anyone below that age caught peeking into this highly classified information will face a terrible punishment.

You'll have to sit with your nose in a circle for thirty minutes.

Yes, I know that's strict but with this kind of creepy scariness, we can't take any chances.

I'll wait while everyone under the age of 45 leaves.

OK, everyone gone? OK, good. Here we go.

So there I was, sitting there with a tree behind me while a horrible yellow horned monster began stalking me!

Pretty scary, huh?

You bet.

I was trapped with a deadly yellow horned monster slouching towards me.

And as he slouched forward, I heard him breathing and growling.

And his terrible fangs were dripping with blood, and I could see little drops of poison dripping off the deadly poison singers.

Stingers. Not singers.

He came slouching towards me.

He had a limp in his left leg. Terrible limp.

And on each step, he let out a sharp exhale of breath,

Have we ever discussed yellow horned monsters?

Maybe not, because they are very rare.

I had never seen one in my entire career. That's how rare it was.

Your Yellow Horned Monsters will use deadly built in radar to track down sleeping ranch dogs, and when they find them, they will inject the noxious poison into your systems.

And once that happens, your ears turn green, and your tail shrivels up, and falls off.

And suddenly, the creature leaped through the air, and dove for me with its deadly poison...!

HUH!

Have we ever discussed stupid pranks?

Maybe so, but not very often.

Do you know why?

Because they happen on this ranch, a lot.

And if I was calling the shots, then there would be no dumb pranks on this ranch.

Or an ranch. Or any state. Or any country.

But that's not how it turned out.

Here's the deal.

Remember the yellow horned monster?

It wasn't a yellow horned monster.

It was Calvin's hair spikes.

In the faded light, I must have mistaken it for a... well... a yellow horned so forth.

And as soon as Calvin saw that I was in a confused state, he went right forward into his little "monster" routine.

It wasn't funny.

It wasn't funny at all.

But, Calvin sure did get a huge chuckle out of it.

He fell over backwards, screaming with laughter, and slamming his fists into the ground.

It wasn't funny.

It wasn't funny at all.

But do you know what happened next?

Slim and Loper appeared on the scene, and started laughing along with Calvin.

Yes sir. They were all laughing a scoffing at their loyal dog.

I had been had.

I held my head at a proud angle, and marched past the jeering crowds.

There, I ran into Drover.

I glared at him.

"Where were you, when all of this was going on?"

"When what was going on?"

"I was just pranked and had by three loafers and lollygaggers. I'm afraid I'll have to resign my post as Head of Ranch Security and leave the ranch. You're in charge."

He stared at me.

"Yeah but... You can't go."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that, Drover. I've been humiliated, and my job is no longer needed."

"Yeah, but, you can't go, because the feed barn was raided again."

There was a long moment of silence.

"The feed barn was... WHAT! Why wasn't I informed about this?"

"You were."

"That's no excuse, and don't argue with me! QUICK! WE MUST CHECK ON THE EXTENT OF THE DAMAGE!"

"I thought you were resigning."

I raced towards the feed barn.

I mean, I had no time to deal with Drover's pointless conversations.

I had a job to do.

I marched back up the hill, past the jeering crowds and over to the feed barn door.

I peeked inside.

There, I discovered something shocking.

There were three or four more ripped bags sitting on the floor, with feed strewn everywhere.

I was shocked.

At last, the laughter subsided, and Loper and Slim walked up to where I was standing.

And all at once, they were pulled back into the real world.

The world where disasters weren't funny, and where cowboys had to grow up.

I know that just killed them.

They stared at the mess with vacant eyes.

Then Loper threw his hat on the ground, and stomped on it.

"Dang it!" he yelled. "How could they break in, again!"

I stared at him in disbelief.

How had they did it again?

The same way they got in the first time!

It was that warp at the bottom of the stupid door!

Sometimes I think the ranch I run for is... ah well, better not open that topic.

Loper and Slim stood there, growling, and muttering, and shaking their heads.

I did the same.

We were disgusted.

More me than them.

Obviously.

Well, after about a minute of disgusted looks, Slim went into the house to order more feed. Then Loper went to feed cattle.

That left me alone with Calvin and Hobbes.

Where was Drover?

He had vanished when the so called yellow horned monster appeared.

Which makes me think...

Never mind.

Calvin walked over, and studied the mess of feed before him.

"Wow." He said. "This is kinda messy."

Hobbes walked over, and studied it, next.

"Indeed."

"You'd think the dogs would keep this from happening." Calvin said.

They exchanged glances, then burst out in insane laughter.

I didn't see any humor in it, myself.

Well, they finished laughing, and continued to study the raided feed barn.

Then, Calvin snapped his fingers.

"Hey, Hobbes! Do you think Mom or Dad would let _us_ stay out here, and guard the feed, tonight?"

"No."

"Well, if they don't we can use my duplicator, so they'll think it's us."

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

"I mean, no." Hobbes said. "I'm not staying out in the cold, tonight."

I thought the idea was pretty outrageous, too.

I mean, _those_ two guarding the feed shed?

HA!

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Calvin and Hobbes argued for several minutes.

I stood there, watching them.

Chuckling to myself.

I mean, one six year old tiger, and a tall boy guarding the feed shed?

Heh.

One six year old boy and a tall tiger.

Suddenly, Calvin got the better of the argument, and Hobbes agreed to do it.

Uh oh.

I didn't think that Calvin would be able to convince Hobbes to do it.

Hobbes gave Calvin a huge lecture about safety, then they shook hands, and ran off into the house.

oops.

Unless I did something fast, Calvin and Hobbes were going to stay outside, tonight, and wait to attack a bunch of _racoons!_

As you know, I've sworn a solemn oath to protect all children.

Even bratty ones.

So when I heard that Calvin was going to wait outside, tonight for the coons, I knew what my duty was.

I rushed up the gas tanks, where I found Drover, sleeping on his gunnysack bed. Wheezing, coughing, snoring, and doing everything else he does when he's asleep.

I rushed up to him, and glared down at him.

I then, leaned down, and screamed, "_RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, DROVER! IT'S A HORRIBLE HAIRY GORILLA!_"

Heh, heh.

I must admit, waking up Drover has its advantages.

You never know what the little mutt's going to do.

Yes, I know, it was probably mean of me to scream into his ear, but we must remember that it was good for Drover's character.

And since Drover had very little character to begin with, It was nice of me to wake him up like that.

Plus, it was, tee hee, fun.

And when a dog is so wrapped up in work that he can't enjoy life for a while, then he's just too busy.

As you've noticed, _I'm_ not too busy to enjoy life's many pleasures.

I mean...

Maybe I should mush on with the story.

OK, I had leaned over, and had screeched out that a gorilla was coming to get him, and we've already discussed the level of niceness in it.

Hee hee.

You should have seen the little mutt.

He screamed, leaped into the air, landed on his face, leaped up, again, and started running around in circles.

"HELP! GORILLA! GORILLA NAMED HARRY! HELP! MURDER! MAYDAY!"

Soon, he ran out of energy, and slowed.

Then, he came to a stop.

When he recognized me, he grinned, and said, "Oh hi, how's the gorilla?"

"Fine thanks, how about yourself?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I think I just woke up."

"That's my whole point, Drover. You were sleeping on the job. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Well..."

"That's enough. It's not what you say that matters, son, it's what you do."

He stared at me.

"I thought you asked..."

"Be quiet."

I marched away from him, and tried to gather my thoughts.

"Last night wasn't successful, Drover." I said. "We failed in our primary mission: To stop the coons from raiding the feed barn."

"Yeah, you fell asleep."

"Shut your trap. Now, we have new offered help, in our mission, Drover. Would you like to guess who volunteered?"

"Well, I'd hate to guess and be wrong."

"Just make a jump at it, Drover. There's only one right answer."

"Oh, Ok, here I go!"

He thought for a second.

"It wouldn't be... Calvin and Hobbes would it?"

I stared at the runt.

"Yes, Drover. You're right. I can't believe it, either."

All at once he was jumping up and down.

"Oh boy! I'm so happy! I got it right!"

"Indeed you did, son. And because you got the right answer, you win the prize."

"Oh goody. A prize. I wonder what it is."

"You get to lead our troops tonight when we go out on Raccoon Patrol."

Drover's eyes crossed, and all at once, he completely lost mobility in his right front leg.

I rushed to his side.

"Drover! Speak to me! Are you alright!"

"Leg attack. Worse one ever. I guess I can't go with you, tonight, Hank! You'll have to go on without me. I just hope I can live with the guilt!"

I stared at him several times.

Huh boy.

Another famous "leg attack".

Ineeded to get to the bottom of this one.

I always have to get to the bottom of things like this.


End file.
